Monday 22 December 2014

Caker Christmas 2014

As the Irish Rovers say, “Wasn’t that a party?”

I held my annual Caker Christmas party the other night where I asked Eye-talians to make and eat caker food. This year, I told my guests that I wouldn’t supply the recipes. They’d have to find their own. I was a little nervous, but they did me proud. The cultural divide between cakers and Eye-talians just got a little narrower, friends.

I asked people to bring their recipes so I could post them, but most forgot. So I’ll skip the recipes this year. Hope that’s okay. Besides, no one ever makes these dishes.

Nuts and Bolts
I first made this back in 2011 and forgot how much the recipe makes. You’re looking at a roasting pan, a 9x13 pan and a pie plate. Needless to say, everyone got a pail as a parting gift. Only problem? The smell of Hickory Sticks stays on your fingers forever.

Spinach Dip
Spinach Dip is awesome because there’s one less dish to wash. I mean, you could try washing a pumpernickel loaf, but it gets kind of mushy. I’m speaking from experience.

Meatloaf Muffins
I’m not sure if that was the name or not, but these ‘lil guys were pretty tasty. Best of all, you can enjoy one for breakfast with your coffee and not attract funny looks in the food court.

Cheesy Stuffing Cups
What a perfect accompaniment to Meatloaf Muffins! These had Stove Top Stuffing, cranberries and a binding agent. (My money’s on cream-of-anything soup.) I decided I’m going to invent a line of food shaped liked muffins. First up: muffin-shaped pizza! Speaking of pizza…

Hash Brown Pizza
Made by yours truly, the crust was hash browns and cheddar cheese soup and the topping was ground beef, tomato soup and cheese. Move over, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. You may not be It-lee’s most famous chef for long! LOL!

Potato Casserole
This had layers of potatoes and ground turkey. There was also lots of cheese, which explains the pinched expression on everyone’s face by the end of the nigh

Lobster Thermidor
Lobster is a little high-end for most cakers. If we’re going to eat seafood, we usually grab a can of salmon. Or a tempura-battered fish stick. This tasted pretty good. I’m going to send the recipe to Red Lobster and take full credit for it.

Carrot Casserole
I made this because I thought people would appreciate a vegetable option. If you're wondering where the carrots are, they’re covered in Velveeta, butter and Ritz crackers – as all vegetables should. Two people said it was the first time they’ve eaten Velveeta and I could only wonder why there’s so much suffering in the world.

Frankfurter Loaf
Presenting the winner of Best-Tasting Dish of Caker Christmas 2014! Folks, these are wieners baked inside a loaf of corn bread. The only thing missing was a carnie asking me if I wanted a ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl. It was served with mushroom gravy. From a can.

7-Up Cake
My Greek friend brought this. It’s a layer of berries with white cake mix on top with 7-Up poured over it. It wasn’t as good as Dump Cake, but not bad, provided you don’t mind coughing up bits of dry cake mix.

Sponge Toffee
One guest brought five packages of sponge toffee. Apparently, Eye-talians think you eat it with a spoon. It was fun watching people spend the evening trying to suck it off their teeth.

Walnut Pie
I made this. It has Ritz crackers, walnuts, egg whites and sugar. One guest said it was the best thing he ever ate. Another said it made him nauseous. Eye-talians are people of extremities.

Cake Mountain
My sister-in-law brought this. It’s Duncan Hines and the size of a shed. And yes, I had a piece for breakfast this morning. Time to get out the ol’ track pants. Speaking of track pants…

My sister-in-law also brought this three-kilogram jar of Nutella. I put it next to a soup can so you can see how big this mother is. I did the math and there are 16, 140 calories in this container. Which is three fewer calories than I ate last night.

That’s a wrap! Just look at that tapestry of beige! I’m off to eat the leftovers. Then I'm going to eat, like, a lot of fibre. Come back next Monday for my best – and worst – caker dishes of 2014.

Happy holidays and happy eating!


  1. Looks like quite a feast Brian. I hope you've come out of the sodium induce coma. About the Irish Rover reference, I think it's also safe to say many a caker is also a Rover fan. I personally like to put on "Donald where's your trousers" to work to as I open my cans of mushroom soup in preparation for an afternoon of cooking.

    1. I can't say I'm too well versed in the Rovers canon. But "Donald where's your trousers?" sounds like a good party song. Did Donald ever find them?

    2. Brian, if you 've never heard this song you're in for a heck of a treat!!! Just go to youtube and search "Irish Rovers Donald where's your trousers". Also, here's the lyrics

    3. It's a catchy little ditty, isn't it? Thanks for sharing. I now have another Rovers tune to add to my repertoire.

  2. The frankfurter loaf is quite a feast for the eyes - and who doesn't love a sausage surprise! Happy Christmas Brian xxx

    1. You never know when you'll find a sausage waiting for you under the tree. Happy Christmas to you, too!

    2. The Wiener of Best-Tasting Dish, of course it was king of the whole shebang! Brian, thank you for giving us so much pleasure—Caker Cooking will be sorely missed, but I'm glad to see it going out in grand style with this spectacular Caker Christmas and legendary Bazaar-O-Rama. All warmest best to you and yours.

    3. Thank you, Amber. And thanks for making the time for me and my casseroles. Have a great holiday.

  3. I actually would love the recipe for the Walnut Pie. Ritz crackers are just salty, buttery-flavoured cookies, so I figure they'd make for a great pie.

    1. There was a nice salty kick to it, Olive. Although I was strangely compelled to put a dollop of Cheese Whiz on top.

  4. Argh! I lost my comment.

    Everything looks fab! I love the stuffing ball idea and am gonna try and develop my own recipe for them.

    Thanks for everything you've posted here, Brian. I'm really going to miss your blog :)

    1. The stuffing balls were pretty good, although they were a little dry. Use a lot of binding agent and you'll be fine. And thank YOU for your comments, Carol. I've met many fun people via this blog.

  5. Brian, wow, that is one big-ass (literally!) jar of Nutella! ;). Thank you for sharing all this caker goodness over the years! I'll miss the humor, the recipes and the edema. Sniiiiiiffff -- hey, who is cutting onions in here?


    1. Thanks, Martine, but I have to ask: why are you cutting onions in the first place? True cakers use dehydrated flakes.

  6. Some of those things look really good! And some of them...
    I make sponge toffee for my brother every year, but we just call it sponge candy. To be honest, I've never seen the allure.

    1. I think it's that chewy-crunchy combo. Combined with the lingering taste of baking soda.