Monday, 15 September 2014

Reader Recipe: Canned Penis Casserole

Welcome to week three of Caker Cooking’s Reader Recipe Month! There’s a light at the end of this caker tunnel. It’s dim, but it’s there. I hope.

Today’s recipe comes from Kari who got the recipe for Lima-Sausage Casserole from the 1959 edition of Farm Journal's Country Cookbook. (Personally, I would’ve given it back to the Farm Journal.) This casserole calls for Vienna sausages. Kari says her husband calls them canned penises, which I think is a much better name. Just imagine the eye-twitching and awkward coughing when you bring your steaming Canned Penis Casserole to the table! (Be sure to follow up with Candle Salad for dessert.)

I’ve tried a lot of things on this blog, but somehow, I’ve managed to avoid Vienna sausages up until now. Sadly, they’re worse than I remember. They’re slimy and the colour of Silly Putty. And talk about small! How are you ever going to fill up on something so small? You’d have to put four of these in your mouth to equal the girth of one Johnsonville Brat.

Suffice to say, there isn’t much redeeming about Canned Penis Casserole, aside from the three-ingredient thing. I mean, it even has lima beans, for god’s sake. Who likes lima beans? They’re like the brussel sprouts of the bean world.

Anyways. Thanks, Kari. I think. Check out Kari’s blog, The Nostalgic Cook, and be sure to come back Friday for a genital-free reader recipe!

2 (10 oz) packages frozen lima beans
2 (4 oz) cans Vienna sausages
1 (10.5 oz) can condensed tomato soup, undiluted

Fill 6 individual casseroles or a 2 qt. casserole with lima beans. Top each with sausages. Spoon tomato soup over top. Bake, covered, in a moderate oven (350F) for 20 minutes. (See note)

Note: I let it cook for closer to 30 minutes. Not that it helped.

Source: Caker Kari via Farm Journal's Country Cookbook

Friday, 12 September 2014

Reader Recipe: Cherry Jumbles

Here we are – the second recipe of the second week of Reader Recipe Month! Those who make it to the end get a free bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Today’s recipe comes from Bob, who I once christened as the Duke of Cakers because he’s the man who introduced me to Tang Pie as well as Twinkie Cake. And as far as I’m concerned, that makes you the Fergie of caker royalty.

Now hold onto your rain bonnets, because Cherry Jumbles is a recipe Bob invented on his own! Well, it's really packaged cookie mix, but Bob came up with the idea of adding things to the mix. If that’s not a sign of caker geniousity, I don’t know what is.

I couldn’t find sugar cookie mix at No Frills. I did, however, find chocolate chip cookie mix, which saved me from having to buy the chocolate chips. (Bob, looks like you’ve got some competition in the caker geniousity department. LOL!)

Because Bob recently commented that he wanted to hear more from my taste-tester, the Reluctant Eye-talian, here’s what the Reluctant Eye-talian said when he saw Bob's cookies.

“Eesch. Those are ugly.”

Still want to hear more from the Reluctant Eye-talian, Bob?

Anyways, I liked them. They had maraschino cherries, after all. You could roll a maraschino cherry in sawdust and I’d still eat it. In fact, I think I once did.

Thanks, Bob! Check out Bob’s blog, The Fondue, and come back Monday for another scrumptious reader recipe.

1 pouch sugar cookie mix
¼  to ½ cup chopped drained maraschino cherries (See note 1)
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (see not 2)
Almond extract

Prepare cookie mix as package directs. If instructions call for liquid, substitute cherry juice; if not, add enough juice to the dough to make it bright pink and delicious. Add a few drops of almond extract and the chocolate chips. Bake as directed on package. When cookies are completely cool, glaze.

Cherry Glaze
Enough milk and cherry juice combined to equal ¼ cup. It should be bright pink and opaque.
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
Few drops almond extract.

Combine and spread on cookies. Let harden.

Bob’s notes:

1. I give a range because it really depends on how many cherries you eat while chopping them. Aim for ½ cup, but be satisfied with whatever you end up with.  Better get the big jar next time. If there’s any juice left over (ha!), drink it.

2. The miniature kind are fun.
Source:  Bob, Duke of Cakers

Monday, 8 September 2014

Reader Recipe: Bierocks

Welcome to the second thrilling week of Caker Cooking’s Reader Recipe Month!

I grew up in a border city which pretty much scarred me for life. The main reason being was that I was forced to watch commercials for all the amazing things I couldn’t get in Canada. No doubt the neighbours heard the wailing whenever a White Castle commercial came on.

Today’s recipe comes from Patrick, who grew up in Minnesota, home of the hotdish and hot beef commercials. This is his mom’s recipe for bierocks. I’d never heard of bierocks and got pretty excited, thinking that beer and rocks might be involved. Turns out bierocks are like meat turnovers.

Patrick’s recipe calls for Pillsbury Grands biscuit dough. I went to two grocery stores and a Wal-Mart, but the only Grands I could find were the cinnamon bun kind. I’m assuming those weren’t an option, but folks in Minnesota may be freakier than I’ve been led to believe. In any case, I don’t think Pillsbury Grands biscuits are available in Canada. So I opted for Pillsbury pizza dough.

Patrick, if I’m ever stateside, I’m heading straight to Winn-Dixie (after a pitstop at White Castle), filling up the trunk of my Chevette with tubes of Grands biscuits, heading back to Canada and making bierocks the way they were goddamn meant to be made.

Having said that, the pizza dough was easy to work with. And the bierocks were tasty as heck. And ball-shaped. Kinda like a Pizza Pocket. Only with sauerkraut. And, uh, not the pizza part.

Thanks, Patrick! Don’t forget to come back Friday for another reader recipe.

1 lb ground beef or mild sausage
1 can saurkraut
Some diced onions and diced bell peppers
1 tube Grands biscuit dough

Fry the meat with the onions and peppers. When cooked, drain grease and then mix in saurkraut. Set aside.

Pop open the biscuit dough and, using some flour and a rolling pin, flatten out the biscuit, flipping and flouring so that it doesn't stick to the rolling pin. Spoon some filling into the centre of the dough. Fold the dough over, making a ball (pouch). Place fold side down onto cookie sheet. Repeat until all dough or filling is used up, whichever comes first.

Bake for however long the biscuit dough tube tells you. When done, spread some butter on ‘em and enjoy!

Source: Caker Patrick via his mom

Friday, 5 September 2014

Reader Recipe: Humdingers

It’s time for our second recipe in Caker Cooking's month-long Reader Recipe Extravaganza!

Today’s recipe comes from Bibi. She lives in Nepal, which I think is in northern Alberta. Bibi sent me the recipe for Humdingers (not to be confused with Dingle Hoofers) from a Louisiana church cookbook. I’d never heard of Humdingers before, but, like any caker, I’m always on the hunt for new ball-shaped foods.

These call for dates and if I'm going to be honest, I have mixed feelings about dates. On the one hand, they’re sweet. But on the other, they’re nutritious. So you can imagine my conundrum. In any case, Bibi’s Humdingers had my dinger humming. They were scrumptious! Even The Reluctant Eye-talian (that’s his nickname whenever I ask him to taste test something) gave them the thumbs up. The dates take on a caramel taste and once you toss in the Rice Krispies and nuts, well, you’ve got a little ball of paradise.

In fact, The Reluctant Eye-talian even had a suggestion. (This doesn't happen often.) “Why not roll them into logs?” he asked. “Then you can call it a Humdinger Finger.”

Back off, Martha Stewartson. He’s all mine.

Come back Monday for our next reader recipe. Thanks, Bibi!

1 stick butter
¾ cup sugar
8 oz chopped dates
1 tsp vanilla
2 ½ cups Rice Krispies
1 cup chopped nuts
powdered sugar

Melt butter and sugar over low heat. Add dates and cook over low heat until dates are melted (around 5 to 7 minutes). Remove from heat & add vanilla, Rice Krispies and nuts. Roll into small balls, then in powdered sugar.

Bibi’s notes:
I just heat and mix the sugar, dates, butter and vanilla over low heat until they become a caramelized goo using a WOODEN SPOON (see note 1). Then I pour the goo over the Rice Krispies and nuts and mix well. Allow mixture to cool for about 15-20 minutes before forming into balls or you'll burn your tootsies. I use a tablespoon to measure out the mixture for some uniformity in the “balls” (see note 2). To make the recipe more "familiar" in flavour for my Indian family, I add in the seeds of 10 green cardamoms (see note 3) and roll the balls in coconut flakes instead of powdered sugar.

Note 2: Never underestimate the importance of uniform balls.
Note 3: That’s green CARDAMOMS, not green CARNATIONS. Carnation seeds don't taste good. I’m speaking from experience.

Source: Caker Bibi via Recipes from the Little Church on the Bayou, Cheneyville Trinity Church Cookbook

Monday, 1 September 2014

Reader Recipe: Frog Eye Salad

Sound the clarinets! September is Reader Recipe Month! 

I’ll be posting caker recipes submitted by readers every Monday and Friday. That’s twice a week! Needless to say, my oven’s going to get a workout. Now if only I could figure out how to turn it on…

When I was a kid, we used to visit my grandmother and extended family in Saskatoon. One time, I was eating a tapioca pudding I found in her fridge and my cousin told me that the little balls were fish eyes. Naturally, I started crying and my mom had to pull me aside and remind me that I was eighteen now and not to believe everything people told me.

So I was pretty freaked out when Jana sent me the recipe for Frog Eye Salad. Thankfully, there are no frog eyes in it. The “eyes” are actually little pasta balls. LOL! I don’t know the size of clan that Jana’s cooking for, but I thirded this recipe (which was very complicated for someone who failed Grade 10 math) and it still made a big bowl. So unless you’re the Duggers, proceed with caution.

All in all, Frog Eye Salad was pretty good. It's like Ambrosia Salad. My mom used to make something similar, only with Minute Rice. Adding carbohydrates to Cool Whip makes eating it alongside ham a little more understandable.

A little.

Y’all come back Friday for our next reader recipe! Check out Jana's blog, Time Travel Kitchen.

1 box Acini de Pepe (see note 1)
3 cans crushed pineapple
3 cans mandarin oranges
1 package mini marshmallows
1 large Cool Whip
2 tablespoons flour
1 cup sugar
2 cups pineapple juice (drained from pineapple) (see note 2)

Boil noodles according to directions. Boil pineapple juice sugar and flour 2-3 minutes. Stir in noodles and let sit overnight. Add remaining ingredients the next day.

Note 1: Don’t go into an Italian store, asking for Acne of Pepper. That’s not the translation. Trust me on this.

Note 2: Since I only used one can of pineapple, I didn’t have quite enough juice to make a third of two cups. If that makes sense. Anyway, top it up with water. Or gin.

Source: Caker Jana

Monday, 25 August 2014

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

If you’re a caker, you know how important canned pineapple rings are to our clan. They’re just so versatile. Encase them in JELL-O to serve alongside the ham and mashed padaydas. Or make Christmas candles with them. Or use them to create phallic-looking food. You can even shellac them to wear as bracelets, provided you have freakishly small wrists. (Hand up! LOL!)

I was reluctant to make this Pineapple Upside Down Cake because whenever I have to turn something upside down to get it out of the pan, I panic. Trust me, you don’t want to hear the commotion whenever I release a JELL-O mould. It’s like I’m giving birth. “IS IT OUT YET?!? HOW DID I GET TALKED INTO THIS?!? OH GOD PLEASE TELL ME IT’S OUT!!!”

But I’m happy to report this cake slipped out real easy-like. And just look at this beauty! It’s more glamorous than Elizabeth Taylor in a White Diamonds perfume commercial. (Kinda makes you wonder why Liz never came out with a pineapple-scented perfume.) Looks aside, it’s also delicious. I’ve got the paunch to prove it.

Speaking of paunches, September is Reader Recipe Month! All month long, I make, eat and post your recipes. If you haven’t submitted a recipe yet, you’ve got until August 31. After that, you’ll miss out on all the fame and gory. I mean, glory. Email your recipes to cakercooking at gmail dot com.

1 tablespoon butter or margarine
½ cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons chopped nuts or maraschino cherries (or both, if desired) (See note 1)
Drained canned pineapple slices (See note 2)
Single layer cake mix or enough cake batter for an 8-inch square pan (See note 3)

Melt butter in cake pan and sprinkle with brown sugar. Arrange fruit over sugar; mix and add nuts or cherries. Prepare cake batter. Pour the batter over fruit and bake in a 350-degree oven for 30-40 minutes. Extra good served with ice cream or whipped cream on top.

Note 1: Uh, yeah.
Note 2: My can had eight slices in it, which was annoying because I wanted nine to make three rows of three. If you’re one of those anal Martha Stewartson types, you might want to get a bigger can.
Note 3: I don’t think single layer cake mixes exist anymore. So I used a regular box mix and filled up  the pan to what I thought was the right amount. Then I drank the leftover batter.

Source: Madoc Centennial Cookbook - 1978, St. John-The-Baptist Anglican Church, Madoc, Ontario

Monday, 18 August 2014


Life is full of temptations, especially for cakers. Every day, we’re lured by things we know aren’t good for us. Like sodium, saturated fat and roast chicken-flavoured potato chips. But as I always say, “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” I’m going to have to copyright that before someone steals it.

Last week, I pointed out how cakers can be a little lacklustre when it comes to naming our food. (See The Thing.) On the flip side, we can also be a little over-the-top. Anyone remember The Greatest Chocolate Dessert Ever? Or Sex in a Pan? (Which, between you, me and the fencepost, might not be that far of a stretch for some of us.)

Lady from Crumlin United Church, you call this casserole “Temptation,” and it comes out looking like this? Don’t get me wrong. Temptation was tempting. With all that sour cream, cream cheese and cottage cheese, you’re hitting all the right arteries. But really, is “Temptation” the first thing that comes to mind when you look at this?

No? Then how about Mucky Muck? Gobbledy Gook? Satan's Landscape?

Speaking of Satan's Landscape, September is Reader Month! All month long, I make and eat YOUR caker recipes! (I guess I'm one of those machoist types.) Send your recipe to cakercooking at gmail dot com by August 31 and I’ll do my best to feature it.

1 pound ground beef
2-8 oz cans tomato sauce
1 cup cottage cheese
½ cup chopped green onion
8 oz egg noodles
8 oz cream cheese
¾ c sour cream
2 tbsp chopped green onion

Brown meat and add tomato sauce. Boil noodles. Cream together cream cheese, cottage cheese, sour cream, onion and pepper. Layer in greased casserole:
½ noodles in bottom
All the cream cheese mixture
Other ½ of noodles
Top with meat mixture.
Bake at 350° for ½ to 1 hour.

Source: Favourite Recipes, Crumlin United Church, Thorndale, Ontario