Sunday 3 May 2020

Beanie-Weenie Bake

Every year since the dawn of time (or so it seems), I host an annual Caker Christmas party. I force invite Italians to make – and eat – caker dishes. At the end of the night, I ask them to vote for the night’s best-tasting dish. For them, it’s like asking to choose the least offensive smell at a flatulence convention.

At my 2019 party, the Italians voted Beanie-Weenie Bake as the best dish. So I’m excited to share this dish with you all. This recipe comes from 1969’s Beta Sigma Phi Casseroles, a mutha of a caker cookbook. There are 392 pages chock full of casserole recipes in categories like Chicken Spaghetti Casseroles, Ground Beef-Noodle Casseroles and, gulp, Egg Casseroles. 

¼ cup brown sugar
½ tsp. dry mustard
1 tbsp. flour
Evaporated milk
1 tbsp. vinegar
1 tbsp. molasses
1 can baked beans
1 package wieners, cut in forths

Mix brown sugar, mustard and flour in medium sized bowl. Add milk to vinegar to make 2/3 cup liquid, stirring to keep blended. Stir milk mixture into dry ingredients; add molasses, stirring to mix well. Add beans. Pour into 1 ½ quart casserole; arrange franks on top. Bake at 375 degrees for about 30 minutes. Serves 4. 

The recipe for Beanie-Weenie Bake (not to be confused with the less popular Teeny-Weenie Bake) seemed straightforward enough, although the inclusion of evaporated milk puzzled me. I’ve always been puzzled by evaporated milk. Every time I open a can, I’m surprised it’s not empty.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to wieners: pork or beef. I prefer the beef ones because they’re not made with snouts. I suppose you could also use veggie wieners. A friend once told me that the texture and colour of veggie wieners remind her of pencil erasers. I can’t get that visual out of my head every time I eat one. I wish I could “erase” her comment. LOLZ!

I tried to arrange the wieners standing up. The attention you pay to little details can mean a world of difference to your guests. “I see Brian took the time to make his wieners erect,” they might think as you bring the dish to the table. “That shows he really cares about me.”  

Do I even need to report that Beanie-Weenie Bake is delicious? It’s a bit sweet, a bit salty and the wieners give a satisfying mouthfeel. The Italians were right! It’s a winner, baby! This dish had me wishing I was wearing a cowboy hat, playing my harmonica and pitching a tent on Brokeback Mountain.

If you want to see the complete menu from my Caker Christmas 2019 party, including what the Italians voted worst-tasting dish  – and my epic cheeseball – check out my blog post!

Speaking of Brokeback Mountain, here’s one of the unfortunate side effects of being a male homosexual: The compulsion to turn everything into a dance remix. I give you Exhibit A: 

We’ll see you next week with another home-on-the-range caker recipe. In the meantime, stay home, stay safe and always keep your wieners close at hand.  

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