Best and Worst Caker Recipes of All Time

This is it, folks. The last post for Caker Cooking. I can't think of a better way to wrap things up than by featuring the best and worst caker recipes OF ALL TIME!

Which dishes shone brightly? (Or beigely. This is caker food we're talking about, after all.) And which dishes jiggled their way down the dark road of hell?

Click here to find out or click on the Best & Worst of All Time tab at the top of the page.

Bazaar-o-Rama Week 3

It's time for my third and final instalment of Bazaar-o-Rama, my annual tour of church holiday bazaars.

What in heaven's sake did I find this time around? Click here to find out!

Bazaar-o-Rama Week 2

It's the second week of Bazaar-o-Rama, my annual tour of church holiday bazaars!

What treasures did I find? Click here to find out!

It's Bazaar-o-Rama!

No need to pinch yourself – you're not dreaming! Bazaar-o-Rama, my annual tour of church bazaars is back for another spellbinding year!

Click here to see what I got my first week out. Or, if you're on your desktop/laptop, just click on the Bazaar-o-Rama 14 tab at the top.

Caker Cooking says "Arrivee derche!"

The Captain and Tinelle. Wayland Flowers and Madame. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo. All great love affairs must come to an end.

In this case, it's ours. In the three and a half years since I started this blog, we’ve cried a little, laughed a little and burped a little. Okay, we burped a lot. But I think my caker work here is done.

I’ll be wrapping things up at the end of December. But despair not. There’s lots of fun headed your way.

Watch for Bazaar-o-Rama, my annual tour of church bazaars, starting next Friday. Then it’s time for my month-long Caker Christmas extravaganza. (If I were you, I’d start stocking up on the gold spray paint.)

Until then, put this on repeat and we'll see you Monday with a new recipe.

Kitchen Reno Week

I’m undergoing a kitchen reno right now. I decided it’s time for this caker to prancercise his way into the 21st century. Here are all the things I’ve asked my handyman (a.k.a. Mother) to do:

1. Replace avocado appliances with golden harvest
2. Put up ruffled sheers from Sears
3. Put up flowered wallpaper border
4. Sew chair pads to match wallpaper border
5. Install showcase for my souvenir spoon collection
6. Get a “dishwasher” (apparently, it’s a box where you hide dirty dishes)
7. Hang extremely large wooden fork and spoon

Until my reno is complete, I don’t have a kitchen to cook in. And while some of you (mainly Eye-talians) assume that cakers don’t actually “cook,” we do need sources of heat. And my crimping iron simply isn’t going to cut it. So I’ve put together a list of random my fave recipes over the years, just like a flashbacks episode of The Golden Girls. Minus the cheesecake.

Hopefully, I’ll be back to posting recipes next week. So long as Mother manages to haul the fridge up the stairs.

Popcorn Salad
Orville Redenbacher’s favourite side dish.

Battle of the Peanut Butter Cookies: Cakers vs. Mennonites
And you thought Godzilla vs. Mothra was intense.

Ruby Slipper Cake
The height of sophistication from the pages of TV Guide.

Cheerio Chews
So easy to make! And eat!

Patsy Recline’s Dingle Hoofers
The name says it all.

A Caker in Itlee: Special Investigative Report

Recently, I went to Itlee with all my Italian in-laws. Have you ever travelled with 11 Italians? Getting everyone in one place at one time was like trying to lasso Ragu. And the lasso is a piece of over-boiled spaghetti.

Speaking of over-boiled spaghetti, we all know that Italian-Canadians don't exactly hold caker culture in the highest regard. After all, they were the ones who called us “cakers” in the first place. But what about Italy Italians? I put on my Rafaella Carra wig and went undercover. You may be surprised by what I found.


THE EVIDENCE:

Lookie here! Kraft cheese slices. Although the name is a little too close to “toilet” for me.

Why don’t we have McDonald’s mayonnaise in Canada? And where was the McMiracle Whip?

Italians love fish sticks. Although they spelled “captian” wrong. LOL!

Chocolate Corn Flakes. I briefly considered moving to Italy just for these.

This is Italian ketchup. Why is the tomato mascot is wearing a toque and gloves? Does he think he’s Canadian?

From here on out, I’m putting chocolate chips on my JELL-O, too.












Proudly being served by Italian great aunts this very minute.

I wish Hotel Bologna was in Canada. Heck, I’d even settle for Hotel Mock Chicken.

We were served these hors d’ouevres on a bar patio. Uh, that’s white bread, ketchup and a hot dog slice. Hmm. Wonder what those Italian-Canadians would say.

I REST MY CASE, FOLKS.









A few other observations:

Water is pretty expensive in Italy, but there are fountains in the bathrooms. Drinking next to the toilet was a little weird. But it wasn’t the first time I’ve done it.

Some people have a very specific idea of hell. This is mine.

Which explains why most of the cars look like this.

You know that expression about pulling your hair out? Italians really mean it.












This sign was above a playground. I wish I had a baby cottage when I was growing up. Instead, my mom used to stick me inside a cardboard box. Anyway, I hope this sign made sense to the Italian-speaking people because it sure didn’t make sense to the English-speaking people.

Italian pigeons look just like Canadian pigeons.













Everyone made a big deal about this tower, but hello? It’s crooked.

















I got pretty excited when I saw this. “WHERE'S THE CHURCH?!?” I screamed. Turns out that “bazar” means store.










All in all, Italy was a great place for cakers of all shapes and sizes. Just make sure that when you cross the street, point, say a prayer and run because it could be the last thing you do.

Ci vediamo la prossima settimana con una nuova ricetta Caker!

Lady Fingers

I live next to a senior’s residence and every morning, an old woman wearing wraparound sunglasses and a baseball hat dumps stale bread in the park across the street. I’m like, “Damn, girl, why let the pigeons have all that goodness?” So, as soon as she’s gone, I run over, scoop up the bread and hurry home before I get revenge-shat on by the pigeons.

Caker creativity shines brightest with stale white bread. There are lots of things we do with it. We cut shapes into it for block printing. We use it as a sponge to wash our Chevettes. We also rub it on our feet to get rid of callouses before open-toed-heel season starts.

This recipe magically turns old bread into the daintiest delicacy of all: Lady Fingers! While I nibbled on these, I kept imagining myself among society ladies named Tipsy and Blousy, discussing things like polo and alimony. As to how these tasted – delicious! Just like a chocolate coconut donut. Tipsy won't suspect a thing. You might want to give her an umbrella, though. Pigeons can hold grudges.

1 loaf unsliced day-old bread (see note)
5 tablespoons cocoa
1 ½ cups sugar
3 tablespoons butter
3 teaspoons vanilla
9 tablespoons hot water
Coconut

Cut crusts off loaf. Cut into 1” slices. Cut slices into 1” wide strips. Mix together cocoa, sugar, butter, vanilla and hot water in saucepan. Boil for 5 minutes. Dip the bread strips into the chocolate. Roll in shredded coconut.

Note: I let my bread stay out overnight, but it was still pretty soft when I cut into it. Damn those preservatives! So I cut it and let the pieces dry out more.

Source: Church of the Hosannas Centennial Cookbook, Hyde Park, Ontario

Puppy Chow

What the heck is going on with dog food these days? Take one look at the ingredients and you’ll see things like duck, organic blueberries and filet mignon in a bordelaise sauce. And let’s not get started on how much it costs.

I had a dog growing up and here’s what we fed him: orange and brown Ken-L-Ration food (it looked like Play-Do pushed through a meat grinder), little discs of brown wax called “Chocolate Drops,” and, at Christmas, red and green-dyed rawhide sticks. Heck, we’d even let him lap up the milk from our cereal bowls. It saved us having to wash them.

You know what? That dog lived until he was 18. Of course, the fact that we never got him fixed might’ve had something to do with it. He was likely holding onto the hope he’d eventually get something other than a leg.

In spite of its name, Puppy Chow isn’t dog food. It’s caker food. And it’s dog-gone delicious. You get the sweetness of the icing sugar mixed in with the creaminess of the peanut butter, not to mention all that free riboflavin in the Crispix. Move over, dogs. This one’s for the people.

8 cups Crispix cereal
½ cup margarine or butter
½ cup creamy peanut butter
½ cup chocolate morsels
2 cups powdered sugar

Melt butter. Add peanut butter and morsels. Stir well until melted. In large bowl, pour over cereal. Stir until cereal is coated. Put sugar in large plastic bag. Add cereal mix. Shake well.

Source: Our 20th Anniversary Cookbook, Lambeth Co-operative Playschool Inc.

B.B.Q. Chicken Popcorn

As a caker, I’ve had a vested interest in the evolution of popcorn. First, there was oil and a pot. Then there was Jiffy Pop. Then the air popper came along. Then Orville Redenbacher showed up with those microwavable bags, stinking up work offices everywhere.

I can’t remember where I found The Popcorn Lover's Handbook, but every recipe involves popcorn, including St. Patrick’s Day popcorn and Popcorn Fondue. I opted for the B.B.Q. Chicken popcorn because I figured it was healthier than eating a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

As to how this tastes, well, you have to be a certain kind of person to enjoy this. First, you have to be the sort of person who believes B.B.Q. chicken-flavoured popcorn has a rightful place in this world. And secondly, you have to be the sort of person who thinks that B.B.Q. seasoning tastes like something barbequed and that chicken soup mix tastes like chicken. If you’re that sort of person, by all means, pop away. For the rest of you, stick with golden topping.

6 quarts of popped popcorn (see note)
1 ½ teaspoons B.B.Q. flavour
1 ½ teaspoons chicken soup mix

Divide popcorn into two equal batches and place each batch into a separate shaker bag. Sprinkle B.B.Q. flavour over first batch, close the bag tightly, shake and rotate bag until the popcorn is coated. Sprinkle chicken soup mix over second batch, close the bag tightly, shake and rotate bag until popcorn is coated. Pour contents of two shaker bags into a 8-quart pot and mix well with a wooden spoon. Salt to taste. Cool popcorn and place in storage containers.

Note: I used a ½ cup unpopped kernels, which yielded four quarts. So I reduced the flavouring to a teaspoon of each.

Source: The Popcorn Lover’s Handbook: Regular, Savory and Candied

Best and Worst of 2013

There’s a mighty big ball about to drop in Times Square and Mother and I already have our party hats on. That can only mean one thing. Well, two things.

First, I'll need to make sure Mother's hat elastic isn’t too tight. (Last year’s celebration became known as the “blue face” incident.) And secondly, it’s time for my best and worst caker recipes of 2013!

Which dish walks away the champ? And which dish slithers away in shame like a lump of saturated fat on a hot linoleum floor?

Find out by clicking here or on the tab in the upper right hand corner.

Bazaar-o-Rama Week 3

Good lord! It's time for another exciting round-up of all the stuff I bought at church bazaars last weekend. Fasten your seat belts.

Click here or on the Bazaar-o-Rama tab in the upper right hand corner.

Bazaar-o-Rama Week 2

My thrilling annual tour of church bazaars continues with a second amazing week of fantastic finds!

Check out what I scored by clicking here or by clicking on the Bazaar-o-Rama tab in the top right hand corner.

Bazaar-o-Rama 2013

It's baaaa-ack!

Bazaar-o-Rama is my annual tour of church bazaars. Featuring special guest appearances by meat pies! Wacky crafts! Doilies! Seniors! And more!

Check out my weekly round up by clicking here or going to the "Bazaar-o-Rama '13" tab. I'll be posting updates every Friday, all month long.

It's a bazaar world. Let's explore it together.

Shreddies Clusters

It’s a fact: my mom was addicted to Shreddies. There wasn’t a morning in the ‘80s or early ‘90s that you wouldn’t find her sitting at the kitchen table in her housecoat, scarfing down a bowl. One time, we ran out of Shreddies and she tore screaming out of the house. Eventually we found her huddled in a corner of the backyard, gnawing on a window screen (I guess it was a texture thing) so my dad sent her away to a cereal detox place.

I haven’t shown her these Shreddies Clusters for obvious reasons, but dang! Anyone could get addicted to these lil’ mountains o’ chocolate. You get the nutrients of Shreddies, the goodness of corn (syrup) and the salty crunch of nuts. They’re like a caker “super food.”

No doubt I’ll be seeing these gems on a bazaar table soon. That’s right! Bazaar-o-Rama is coming back! I try to shake off my loneliness by travelling around to church bazaars throughout November then post my highlights. Last year, I made friends with numerous senior women wearing eyeglass strings, purchased deformed knitted slippers and even ate a raisinless bran muffin. Who knows what high-jinks are in store for this year? Stay tuned.

1 package (6 ounces) semi-sweet chocolate chips
3 tablespoons light corn syrup
1 tablespoon butter or margarine
2 cups Shreddies
½ cup chopped nuts

Melt chocolate chips, corn syrup and butter in small saucepan, stirring until smooth. Add Shreddies cereal and nuts, stirring until coated. Drop and shape into small clusters, a spoonful at a time, on aluminum foil. Refrigerate until set. Make 2 ½ to 3 dozen (1 ½”) clusters.

Source: Country Favourites Cookbook, Mitchell’s Corners Public School

A Very Caker Thanksgiving!

This Monday, Canadian cakers across the land will put on their buckled black shoes, dust off their decorative corn centre pieces and gather round the Thanksgiving table. Sorry, Americans. You’ve still got a few weeks to go before the Peanuts special airs.

If you’re not sure what to make for Thanksgiving dinner, I’ve put together a menu of previously featured recipes that are sure to please every caker at your table. I didn’t include a turkey because, in my family, we could never afford one. Dad just went out and shot the biggest pigeon he could find.

From my caker house to yours, may your cornucopia be full of canned corn, Stove Top stuffing and Tums.

Cheese Cookies
Set up the TV tables, put on your “Kiss the Caker” apron and pass around these savory little ditties. Cakers like them because they have the word “cookie” in the name.

Green Bean Casserole
You can’t go wrong with this tried-and-true classic. Canned beans, cream of mushroom soup and deep fried onion things. The only thing you’ll regret is not making more. Well, that plus the gas.

Potato Casserole
This was my favourite dish of 2012. You have to cut up the potatoes which takes time, but that’s what aunts are for. I’m making this for my Thanksgiving dinner and since no aunts will be there, I’ll get my elderly mother to cut the potatoes. It’s important to make seniors feel needed. Watch for thumbs, though!

Isabel’s 5-Cup Salad/Dessert
Is it a dessert? A salad? Who cares? It's all going down the same hole. Besides, no caker Thanksgiving is complete without miniature marshmallows.

JELL-O Pineapple Rings
My mom made these all the time. If you don't like pineapple, just suck the JELL-O part off.











Pumpkin Dessert
There’s no better way to polish off a meal than with a big helping of pumpkin pah. But who's got time to buy a crust? This Pumpkin Dessert is a cinch. Serve with a cup of Folgers. Remember: it’s three parts Cool Whip to one part dessert.

Reader Recipe: Gold’n Brown Sandwiches

Well, here we are – the final recipe of Reader Month. What a dark incredible journey it’s been! I got intimate with Candle Salad, learned the ins and outs of Ice Cream Bread and even lost five pounds in an hour, courtesy of Mushroom Fluff.

I saved the most challenging recipe for last. This one was sent to me by Jennifer from the February 1954 edition of McCall's magazine. I know cutting a donut in half and inserting a piece of cheese may seem complicated, but just follow the instructions carefully and give yourself plenty of time. You can do this!

Actually, I posted this to prove a point. Everyone’s going on about weird food combinations these days, like chocolate-dipped bacon or marshmallow-crusted chicken or salads with shards of glass. But this recipe proves people have been doing stupid things with food for a very long time. It reminds me of that old saying: What goes around will come around again even though people think it's the first time they've seen it. That makes sense, right?

Thanks to everyone who submitted a recipe. If I didn’t get to yours, it doesn’t mean I won’t feature it in the coming months so keep your eyes peeled. If you’ve got a recipe you want to share, email cakercooking at gmail dot com.

Directions: Take a donut. Cut it in half. Put a piece of cheese in it. Eat it.

Source: Caker Jennifer via McCall’s 

(Click the image to see a larger version of the ad. It's worth it.)