Reader Recipe: Lime Cheese Salad

I can’t think of three words that have no business being strung together more than lime, cheese and salad.

Ian sent me this recipe for what he calls a “glistening, jiggling and milky-green caker classic.” Lime Cheese Salad has been a part of his family’s Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for as long he can remember. He reckons the recipe was handed over to his mom by his Great Aunt Doris. (Is it me, or does every caker family have a Great Aunt Doris?)

I wasn’t looking forward to this because y’all know that while I can get with a number of things, I can’t get with JELL-O, vegetables and marannaise. But I made it and…it wasn’t half bad. It was tangy, the pineapple provided a hint of sweetness and the almonds gave it a nice crunch. The carrots, on the other hand, were like that guy who sits across from you in the staff lunchroom and chews with his mouth open. Not welcome.

That officially brings Reader Recipe Month to a close. Thanks to everyone who sent in a recipe. Sorry I couldn’t get to all of them, but I’ll endeavor to make – and post – every single one in the coming months. Promise. Come back Monday for some great sex. Yes, you read that right.

When he's not eating Lime Cheese Salad, Ian is a historian of Food, Health and Nutrition. Check out his website. Thanks, Ian!

1 large pkg lime Jell-O
1 ¼ cup boiling water
8 oz cream cheese

Dissolve jelly powder in boiling water. Add cheese and beat well. Put this in the food processor to make it a snap. (see note)

To this mixture add:
2 tbsp vinegar
1 can crushed pineapple, drained
½ cup chopped almonds
½ cup mayonnaise
1 cup grated carrot

Mix again in food processor just till mixed. Pour into well-greased gelatin mould.

Note: I don’t know if my food processor has a leak, but damn if green stuff didn’t spew everywhere when I turned it on. Proceed with caution, folks.

Source: Caker Ian via Great Aunt Doris

Reader Recipe: Fiesta Peach Salad with Miracle Whip Salad Dressing

Now there’s a mouthful. By the time you get the name of this dish out, the peaches will have fruit flies.

Today’s reader submission comes from Jennifer, who sent in this vintage caker recipe. She said it reminded her of sea urchins with the slivered almonds sticking out of the sides of the peaches.

That may be what she thought, but when I made it, all I saw were bloody demon eyes on a green monster face. Seriously. Just look at that thing! I’m going to send the photo to TLC and suggest a new show: "My Salad Was Possessed By the Devil." They can schedule it between "Honey Boo Boo" and the show with the cheapskates who re-use toilet paper. (And to think TLC used to stand for The Learning Channel.)

Demon eyes aside, this salad tasted pretty good. The almonds provided a nice crunch. And who can resist canned peaches? Just make sure you sprinkle it with holy water and repeat "The power of Christ compells you!" before digging in.

Thanks, Jennifer! Check out her blog. She describes herself as a Canadian vegetarian foodie but she lives in Monaco. (Isn't Monaco in Alberta?)

Eye-catching and tasty! Prepare raspberry-flavored gelatin as package directs. When firm, break up with fork. Stick shredded, toasted almonds into the edges of plump, sun-gold canned cling peach halves from California. Fill halves with gelatin. Serve on greens with Miracle Whip Salad Dressing.

Source: Caker Jennifer via a magazine clipping.

Reader Recipe: Rainbow Squares

Is there anything more stressful than a work potluck? There you are, looking at a table of food made by people you don't really know. How clean is the accounting guy's kitchen? Does the receptionist let her cat walk on the counter? What if the IT guy licked the spoon or, even worse, made the food naked?

Caker Cooking reader Adam recently had a “Diversity Day” work potluck. Since he’s gay and a caker (otherwise known as a “gayker"), he brought Rainbow Squares. Can you imagine the gasps when he served this mutli-layered work of art? Paging the HR department! Someone deserves a raise.

Adam’s recipe calls for an envelope of gelatin added to each JELL-O package. That means there are EIGHT envelopes of gelatin in this dish. (Or approximately 84 hooves.) Folks, this JELL-O was so stiff, I could've fired a bullet into it and it wouldn’t have come out the other side.

Before anyone calls me out, yes, I screwed up the rainbow order. Red should be on top. I’m a bad gayker.

Thanks, Adam! You make us proud!

6 boxes JELL-O (rainbow order from the top: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple)
8 envelopes unflavoured gelatin
1 can sweetened condensed milk

Mix purple JELL-O with one envelope gelatin. Add 1 cup boiling water and stir until dissolved. Pour into 9x13” glass pan sprayed with PAM. Refrigerate for 30 minutes. Dissolve 2 envelopes gelatin in ¼ cup cold water. Add ¾ boiling water and stir until dissolved. In another bowl mix condensed milk and 1 cup boiling water. Combine milk and gelatin mixture. Pour ½ cup milk mixture over the bottom layer of JELL-O. Pour slowly over a spoon to stop the mixture from making dents in JELL-O. Repeat using one layer JELL-O, waiting 30 minutes, then one layer milk mixture, waiting 20 minutes, ending with Jell-O (red). If the milk mixture starts to set, put in the microwave for 60 seconds.

Source: Gayker Adam

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Edible Pineapple Ring Candle

Behold! I bring you great tidings of caker joy!

Earlier in the week, I posted my Edible Cranberry Candle. It came out a little flaccid compared to Candle Salad. Problem was that a candle made of JELL-O just didn’t have the density to stand upright.

Then I got thinking.

My mom used to pour JELL-O into a can of pineapple rings and serve it with ham. I featured the pineapple ring recipe on Caker Cooking a few years back. A light bulb went off in my head. (Usually, when this happens, there’s only a brief flickering before the light goes dark.)

I took a can of pineapple rings and a packet of JELL-O and created a candle that’s solid enough to stand on its own. I should've been an architect.

If you want to make one, drain the juice from a can of pineapple rings, mix JELL-O with a cup of boiling water, pour into the can and let it set in the fridge. Just don’t forget to slip in a birthday candle to light it.

Just goes to show – all of life's problems really are solved in your own backyard.

Edible Cranberry Candles

How many times have you smelt a candle and thought, “That smells so good, I want to eat it?” Folks, don’t. Wax is awfully hard to scrape off teeth. I’m speaking from experience.

I was sent this recipe for edible “candles” by reader Keri and wanted to try it. I haven’t had much success with JELL-O before. (See Ribbon Salad.) But, like Charlie Brown running at the football, I thought it was worth one last kick.

It wasn’t.

When I unmolded the candles, they collapsed like Mushroom Fluff. Then I had an idea. I mixed JELL-O with gelatin (a reader once recommended that to firm up JELL-O), poured it into a soup can, added in some cranberries and put it in the fridge, pretty certain it would work.

It didn’t.

The candle held its shape better, but was Tower of Pisa-ish. I’m guessing it’s a mass/density thing. Anyways, if you have a suggestion about how to make this work, feel free to leave a comment. And remember: keep open flames away from party guests’ hair. Nothing kills the holiday spirit quicker than burnt hair smell. I'm speaking from experience.

1 1-lb. can of Ocean Spray Whole Cranberry Sauce
1 3-oz. pkg. red, yellow, or orange fruit-flavored gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup HELLMANN’s Real Mayonnaise
1 apple or orange, peeled or diced
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Heat cranberry sauce, strain, set berries aside. Dissolve gelatin in hot juice and water. Add salt and lemon juice.

Chill until thickened enough to mound slightly when dropped from a spoon.

Beat in real mayonnaise with rotary beater till light and fluffy. Fold in cranberries, fruit and nuts.

Divide mixture evenly into eight 6-oz. fruit juice cans. Chill 4 hours or longer. Unmold. Garnish with real mayonnaise to taste.

To flame: Cut thin birthday candle in half to shorten. Insert into tops of cranberry candles. Light.

Here's the original advert.

I mean, c'mon. There has to be wax in that.

Knoxapocalypse: Maple Fluff

This week, I’m participating in something called “Knoxapocalypse” with other food bloggers from far-away places like England and the United States. We all swapped recipes that called for gelatin. I got something called Maple Fluff, courtesy of Bitter Sweet Susie.

Folks, Maple Fluff whipped me into a frenzy. It took an hour to make, which is 58 minutes longer than most caker recipes. Then there were all these phrases I’d never heard before, like “stir constantly” and “egg whites.” Honestly, I was going bananas.

So was the end result worth it?

Well, it looked like chunky, taupe vomit going into the fridge. (I may have folded in the egg whites too soon, but I was getting impatient, what with Mother hollering that it was time for Mystery Detectives on the Nancy Grace channel.) But I have to say – Maple Fluff tasted fan-fluffing-tastic. Kind of like a maple custard tart. Only better. Because it was a big maple custard tart.

Would I eat it again? You bet. Would I make it again? Hell, no.

2 tablespoons unflavoured gelatin
¼ cup cold water
1 pint cream
2 eggs, separated
1 cup maple sirup (see note 1)
½ cup shredded coconut
¼ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon almond extract.

Soften gelatin in cold water. Heat cream over hot water, then pour slowly over slightly beaten egg yolks. Return mixture to double boiler and cook 5 minutes, or until it starts to thicken, stirring constantly. Remove from heat and stir in softened gelatin. Add maple sirup and cool. When mixture begins to thicken, add coconut, salt and almond flavoring. Beat egg whites until stiff but not dry and fold into mixture (see note 2). Pour into individual molds and chill until firm (see note 3). Serve plain or top with sweetened whipped cream, sprinkled with toasted coconut. Serves 8.

Note 1: Yes, I know how to spell syrup. But that’s how the book spelt it.

Note 2: I didn’t get salmonella, but I was worried.

Note 3: Do you have 8 individual molds sitting in your cupboard, just waiting to be used? I sure don’t. (I don't even have 8 friends.) So I poured everything into one big mold.

So what did my fellow food bloggers get up to? Check out their Knoxapocalypse creations, but BE WARNED. Some of this stuff ain't pretty:

Betty Davis' Mustard Ring made by Retro Recipes
Melon Mousse made by Bitter Sweet Susie
Olive Wreath Mold made by Dinner is Served
Molded Avocado and Tuna made by The Retro WW Experiment
Turkey in Aspic by Silver Screen Suppers
Pickle and Pineapple Salad by Mid-Century Menu

Source: 250 Delectable Desserts

Tomato JELL-O

Heart of Darkness

It should come as no surprise that, when it comes to caker food, I can get with most things. Put some baked beans in a muffin and I’ll give it a taste. Turn mashed potatoes into mints and I’ll pop one in. I’m even up for meatloaf made with Special K. (But you won’t catch me going back for seconds.)

But one dish I can’t get with is any recipe calling for JELL-O and weird things. By “weird,” I mean food that has no business being in JELL-O, like pickles, olives and carrots. And there are LOTS of those recipes in my cookbooks, which leads me to wonder, “Were all the church ladies in the ‘70s on crack?”

You can’t run away from your caker demons forever, so I made this Tomato JELL-O the other day. It has orange JELL-O and stewed tomatoes. Yes, it was disgusting. The only way I could finish it was to run it under hot water and melt off all the orange JELL-O. And if you think water-logged tomatoes sound gross, they were way better than the other option.

Why, my caker people? For the love of god, why?

Tomato JELL-O
1 package (3 ounces) orange JELL-O
1 can stewed tomatoes
1 tablespoon vinegar
salt and pepper

Dissolve JELL-O in 1 cup boiling water. Add tomatoes, vinegar, salt and pepper. Refrigerate until firm.

Source: St. Luke’s United Church Cookbook

Dream Loaf

My relationship with JELL-O is like a lot of other relationships in my life: complicated.

On the one hand, JELL-O and cakers go together like Shields and Yarnell, Captain and Tenille, Leonardo DiCaprio and [insert model name]. But whenever I attempt to make something with JELL-O, it never really works out. (See Ribbon Salad, a.k.a. Rainbow Barf, as an example.)

This Dream Loaf sounded so simple. Start with JELL-O, add some Dream Whip, toss in some cookie crumbs and repeat. I could see it in my head, all those beautiful alternating layers, glistening in the sunlight and Mother laughing and laughing as I spoon fed her bite after wobbly bite.

But then it came out looking like this. All gobbledy-gooky. The “dream” died even before it had a chance to live. Having said that, it still tasted good. Just too bad it looked like the Titanic shipwreck. (It does look a little like that, doesn't it? I can't be the only one who sees it.)

Anyway, JELL-O, I'm not certain about our future. Maybe one of us needs to firm up. And maybe one of us just needs to walk away.

P.S. There's still time to enter the Top 5 Caker Fashions contest! Details here.

1 package Dream Whip
JELL-O (any flavour)
Chocolate wafer biscuits

Prepare JELL-O and refrigerate until slightly firm. Set aside ¼ of the JELL-O. Prepare Dream Whip according to package instructions. Combine ¼ JELL-O and Dream Whip together. Crumble chocolate wafer biscuits. In loaf pan, place layer of JELL-O, layer of Dream Whip and JELL-O mixture, layer of crumble wafer biscuits. Continue doing layers, ending with Dream Whip and JELL-O mixture and a few crumbled biscuits on top. Refrigerate for 2 to 3 hours. Slice to serve.

A great finish to any meal!

Source: What’s In the Oven?

Yes, I used the unicorn book again. Serves me right.

Ribbon Salad

Many of you might assume I live this perfect caker life; that my Porcupine Meatballs are always moist, my Dream Whip is always fluffy as air, and I never cut myself opening up a can. But the fact is that every caker stumbles. Yes, even me.

Take this Ribbon Salad. I had images of layered colours and glistening gelatin. I even planned to make a clever Olympics reference by mentioning ribbon gymnastics. But this Ribbon Salad had me in knots.

When I tried to cut it into squares like the recipe said, it was messier than a drunk bridesmaid. I had to scoop it out and plop it into bowls. It looked like abstract art, which would've been fine except for the fact that, when it comes to our food, cakers tend to be paint by number folks.

In any case, Ribbon Salad has reminded me that, sometimes in life, you need to dust the JELL-O powder off and carry on, caker soldier.

First layer:
1 small package lime JELL-O
1 cup boiling water
1 tin crushed pineapple
Pour into a 9x13 pan and let set partially before adding second layer.

Second layer:
1 small package lemon JELL-O
1 cup boiling water
12 ounces Philadelphia cream cheese
1 cup whipping cream (I use 1 package Dream Whip)
Mix JELL-O and hot water and let partially set. Whip cream. Whip the cream cheese until smooth. Add JELL-O and whip cream and beat well. Pour over first layer.

Third layer: 1 package cherry JELL-O (3 ounce)
2 cups boiling water
1 tin fruit cocktail (drained)

Mix JELL-O and hot water and let partially set. Mix in drained fruit cocktail and spoon over second layer. Refrigerate until firm. Best when made ahead and left overnight. Cut into squares and serve. (This makes a colourful salad for Christmas, weddings or summer dessert.)

Source: Cook Book of the Mount Royal United Church, Saskatoon

At least the dog seemed interested.

Lemon Fluff

When it comes to food flavourings, I think lemon sucks. Maybe my nose has been victimized by too much furniture polish, dishwashing detergent, floor cleaner and scented plastic dolls over the years, but I just don’t find anything appealing about it.

So I was less than enthusiastic about making Lemon Fluff. It sounded boring. But then I started making it and, as the cold, evaporated milk foamed up, I had a memory trigger. I'd eaten this before. And then I realized – I frigging love Lemon Fluff!

Although it doesn’t sound like much, Lemon Fluff is three inches of light, moussey – and yes – lemony heaven. It’s perfect for summer eating and guaranteed to shine a light in the dimmest of church basements. Lemon, thou art redeemed.

1 package lemon JELL-O powder
1 ½ cups boiling water
4 tablespoons lemon juice
Rind of 1 lemon
¼ cup sugar
1 can Carnation evaporated milk (real cold)
¼ cup sugar
1 cup graham crumbs
A little butter

Mix together ¼ cup sugar, the graham crumbs and butter. Press into bottom of an 8"x8” pan, saving a few crumbs for top. Mix JELL-O powder and boiling water. Cool slightly. Add the lemon juice, rind and ¼ cup sugar. Cool in refrigerator until syrupy. Beat can of Carnation milk. Beat again and add the JELL-O mixture. Continue beating until stiff. Pour over crumb crust and sprinkle with reserved crumbs.

Source: Cooking with Durham County Junior Farmers

Isabel's 5 Cup Salad/Dessert

Sunday mornings, I visit a senior woman who lives across the street from me. Isabel isn’t your typical senior. She’s got a flat screen TV, a computer and she even has an e-reader. Here’s hoping I’m that up-to-date at her age, but, knowing me, I’ll be wearing acid wash overalls and trying to work an iPod.

A few Sundays ago, I noticed a package of coconut, a can of pineapple and a tin of mandarin oranges on Isabel’s side table. Naturally, my caker senses starting tingling. I asked her what everything was for.

“5 Cup Dessert,” she replied. Needless to say, I got her to write down the recipe.

Now, there’s some debate over whether this is a dessert or a side dish. Isabel says it’s a dessert. I remember it as a side dish. (Of course, I also grew up in a house where Cool Whip was considered dairy.) And, when I found the same recipe in another cookbook, it recommended serving it on a lettuce leaf. So we may never know the answer.

What I do know is that 5 Cup Salad/Dessert has been enjoyed by generations of cakers. The marshmallows get soft and squishy, the pineapple stays crunchy and you’ll have hours of fun picking the coconut out of your teeth.

Thanks, Isabel! And happy belated birthday.

1 cup miniature marshmallows
1 cup flaked coconut
1 cup pineapple pieces, partially drained
1 cup mandarin oranges, drained
1 cup sour cream

Make the day before and refrigerate. Isabel also adds in quartered maraschino cherries.

Source: Modern Girl Isabel

Coca Cola Salad

When the warm weather hits, I think of two things: getting a Brazilian and sipping an ice-cold Coca Cola. Cakers love Coke almost as much as we love Cream of Mushroom soup. We pour Coke over our roasts, we plop ice cream into it and we use it as mouthwash. Some of us even use Coke in science experiments with our baby teeth. (See the comments section for Coke Roast.)

In fact, cakers and Coke seem to go hand-in-hand. Maybe it’s the sugar. Or that we enjoy belching.

In any case, here’s a ruby-hued salad that packs all of summer’s sweetness into a single bowl. It’s got cherry JELL-O, cherry pie filling, Dream Whip, a can of you-know-what and about 4296 calories.

Why is there a can of Coke in this? Who knows? A caker might say it adds flavour. I think it’s more about adding another 10 teaspoons of sugar. I should've been a caker dentist.

1 large package cherry JELL-O
1 ½ cups boiling water
1 10 ounce bottle Coke (1 can)
1 can cherry pie filling
1 can crushed pineapple, drained
1 package Dream Whip (see note)
1 package cream cheese
½ cup icing sugar

Dissolve JELL-O in boiling water. Add Coke and allow to thicken slightly. Stir in cherry pie filling and pineapple. Chill until set. Beat cream cheese. Add icing sugar. Fold in Dream Whip. Put on top of JELL-O. Decorate with cherries.

I made mine look real purdy-like.

Note: Make the Dream Whip as per the package instructions before adding it in.

Source: The Best of Enbridge

The Ruby Slipper Cake

After the disaster that was Pizza in a Tunnel at Caker Christmas 2011, I needed to repair the reputation of a caker staple found at funerals, baby showers and Sunday visits with spinster aunts. Yep, I’m talkin’ ‘bout da Bundt.

Just imagine the delight on everyone’s face when you slice through The Ruby Slipper Cake to reveal its secret neon interior. Whether or not that interior resembles a “slipper” is open for debate. I suppose calling it “The Ruby Slash Cake” sounds a little sinister. Or dirty. Or both.

Either way, this cake puts the fun back into your Bundt.

Wait a minute. Does that make this a Fundt?

½ cup chopped pecans (see note)
1 package white cake mix
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup water
2 eggs
1 package (3 oz) JELL-O Raspberry Jelly Powder
Icing Sugar

Sprinkle nuts evenly over bottom of a thoroughly greased and floured 10-inch tube pan. Combine cake mix, sour cream, water and eggs in large mixer bowl. Blend. Then beat at medium speed of electric mixer for 2 minutes. Sprinkle jelly powder into ½ cup batter and blend. Pour on third of batter over nuts in pan. Spoon about half of jelly mixture in a one-inch ring around the centre of the pan, keeping away from sides. Repeat layers ending with white cake batter, spreading it over the jelly mixture to cover. Bake at 350° for 45-50 minutes. Cool in pan 5 minutes. Remove and continue cooling. Sprinkle with icing sugar.

Note: I don’t know about you, but my ass is post-holiday broke. I opted for walnuts because they're cheaper.

Source: Not sure. But I bet this clipping is taken from a TV Guide featuring the cast of Diff’rent Strokes on the cover.

JELL-O Popcorn Balls

As a young’un, I remember diving headfirst into a pile of leaves in our backyard and hearing the sound of my dad’s voice trailing behind me:

“Watch out for the dog poooooppppp…”

I haven’t been able to look at a pile of leaves with the same reckless abandon since.

These popcorn balls remind me of that time. Rest assured, there’s no dog shit or leaves in the recipe. Cakers can be cheap when it comes to ingredients, but not that cheap, for God’s sake. That said, there is a dog shit equivalent in popcorn balls: unpopped kernels.

All I can say is don’t start chowing down on these balls before stopping to consider what could be lurking beneath the surface. New teeth ain’t cheap, after all.

6 tablespoons butter
3 cups mini marshmallows or 24 large
3 tablespoons JELL-O powder (pick a colour for different occasions)
3 quarts popcorn or ¾ cup kernels

Melt butter and marshmallows. Blend in JELL-O powder. Mix with popcorn. Butter hands and shape into balls.


Source: Our 20th Anniversary Cookbook, Lambeth Co-operative Playschool Inc.

Low Calorie Salad

There was a dark period in caker history (and by “period,” I’m referring to the ‘80s) when cottage cheese was viewed as a dieter’s dream food. Cakers looking to shed a few pounds were gobbling it up (and washing it down with a TAB) in between their Jane Fonda LP workouts and moussing their bangs.

But moderation is everything in life. So while cottage cheese might have been light in calories, it didn’t do much for the waistline when paired with Cool Whip.

Needless to say, this salad doesn’t live up to its name. When I added things up, it came in at a hefty 1843 calories. Time to dust off that leotard. Your session with Jane starts now.

1 small can crushed pineapple
1 small box strawberry JELL-O
1 medium carton cottage cheese
1 large carton of Cool Whip

Bring crushed pineapple and jelly powder to boil. Let cool, then fold in cottage cheese, then Cool Whip. Store in fridge. Serve.

Source: St. Mary’s C.W.L. Grafton Cookbook

JELL-O Pineapple Rings

Here's a nifty caker side dish that my mom used to serve alongside Sunday hams. Even though nothing made me gag more than a pink, simmered ham, I never had any trouble downing a few of these JELL-O pineapple rings.

Hmm. Wonder if the sugar had anything to do with it.

Drain a can of pineapple rings and fill with JELL-O.

Chill. When set, slide a knife around the edge and shake it out.

Slice and serve. So pretty you may want to wear it as jewellery.