Lady Fingers

I live next to a senior’s residence and every morning, an old woman wearing wraparound sunglasses and a baseball hat dumps stale bread in the park across the street. I’m like, “Damn, girl, why let the pigeons have all that goodness?” So, as soon as she’s gone, I run over, scoop up the bread and hurry home before I get revenge-shat on by the pigeons.

Caker creativity shines brightest with stale white bread. There are lots of things we do with it. We cut shapes into it for block printing. We use it as a sponge to wash our Chevettes. We also rub it on our feet to get rid of callouses before open-toed-heel season starts.

This recipe magically turns old bread into the daintiest delicacy of all: Lady Fingers! While I nibbled on these, I kept imagining myself among society ladies named Tipsy and Blousy, discussing things like polo and alimony. As to how these tasted – delicious! Just like a chocolate coconut donut. Tipsy won't suspect a thing. You might want to give her an umbrella, though. Pigeons can hold grudges.

1 loaf unsliced day-old bread (see note)
5 tablespoons cocoa
1 ½ cups sugar
3 tablespoons butter
3 teaspoons vanilla
9 tablespoons hot water
Coconut

Cut crusts off loaf. Cut into 1” slices. Cut slices into 1” wide strips. Mix together cocoa, sugar, butter, vanilla and hot water in saucepan. Boil for 5 minutes. Dip the bread strips into the chocolate. Roll in shredded coconut.

Note: I let my bread stay out overnight, but it was still pretty soft when I cut into it. Damn those preservatives! So I cut it and let the pieces dry out more.

Source: Church of the Hosannas Centennial Cookbook, Hyde Park, Ontario

Puppy Chow

What the heck is going on with dog food these days? Take one look at the ingredients and you’ll see things like duck, organic blueberries and filet mignon in a bordelaise sauce. And let’s not get started on how much it costs.

I had a dog growing up and here’s what we fed him: orange and brown Ken-L-Ration food (it looked like Play-Do pushed through a meat grinder), little discs of brown wax called “Chocolate Drops,” and, at Christmas, red and green-dyed rawhide sticks. Heck, we’d even let him lap up the milk from our cereal bowls. It saved us having to wash them.

You know what? That dog lived until he was 18. Of course, the fact that we never got him fixed might’ve had something to do with it. He was likely holding onto the hope he’d eventually get something other than a leg.

In spite of its name, Puppy Chow isn’t dog food. It’s caker food. And it’s dog-gone delicious. You get the sweetness of the icing sugar mixed in with the creaminess of the peanut butter, not to mention all that free riboflavin in the Crispix. Move over, dogs. This one’s for the people.

8 cups Crispix cereal
½ cup margarine or butter
½ cup creamy peanut butter
½ cup chocolate morsels
2 cups powdered sugar

Melt butter. Add peanut butter and morsels. Stir well until melted. In large bowl, pour over cereal. Stir until cereal is coated. Put sugar in large plastic bag. Add cereal mix. Shake well.

Source: Our 20th Anniversary Cookbook, Lambeth Co-operative Playschool Inc.

Battle of the Veggie Dips: Marlene vs. the Winnipeg Ceramic Club

Marlene's Vegetable Dip

Now that the warmer weather is here, many cakers will be coming out of hibernation, trading in their cowl neck sweaters for wedges and tube tops – and those are just the men. We’ll also start entertaining, which means airing out the basement, washing the toilet tank fur and polishing the Tupperware.

It also means putting on a spread. And while cakers, in general, aren’t vegetable enthusiasts, we’ll tolerate a veggie tray every now and then provided those veggies come with a side of saturated fat.

The Winnipeg Ceramic Club's Veggie Dip

I couldn’t decide which of these veggie dips to make, since they both looked pretty good. Marlene’s called for Cheez Whiz and the Winnipeg Ceramic Club recipe called for that caker elixir, Catalina salad dressing. So I made both, slipped on the wedges and invited a friend over to taste-test both.

It was a tough call, but overall, the Winnipeg Ceramic Club’s recipe packed more punch in the flavour department. It was the right mix of tang and sweetness. Having said that, I fell in love with the colour of Marlene’s dip and decided to paint my walls with it. Now I’m starting to worry about the smell when the first heat wave hits.


Marlene’s Vegetable Dip
½ cup Cheez Whiz
1 cup mayonnaise
sprinkle garlic powder
Cream well, serve with sliced vegetables.

Source: Our Favorite Recipes Cookbook, ICU/CCU The General Hospital Health Sciences Centre, St. John’s, Newfoundland











Veggie Dip
8 ounces cream cheese
½ cup ketchup
¼ cup Catalina dressing
1 tablespoon chopped onion
Mix together until smooth and creamy.

Source: Our Favourite Recipes Cookbook, C.F.B. Winnipeg Ceramic Club

Cheghetti

If you’re ever around Italian people, you know they’re passionate about three things: spaghetti, designer sunglasses and singing superstar Raffaella Carrà.

Please, fellow cakers, never tell Italians how we make spaghetti. Don’t say that we put oil in the water and throw spaghetti against a wall to check if it’s done. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of a lot of Italian words – and none too positive-sounding. Whatever you do, don’t mention Ragu unless you’re prepared to deal with a lot of hand gesturing.

Let’s keep this Cheghetti recipe between us. The Italians don’t need to know how much we love spaghetti with Velveeta. (Which, by the way, is the reason I can’t afford designer sunglasses since Velveeta costs eight cockadoodle dollars.) The Italians won’t understand it. They won’t believe it tastes good. But you and I know differently. In fact, my mom said this tasted better than her Macaroni Casserole. This is major.

P.S. Don’t forget to scrape the spaghetti off the wall.

¾ pound ground steak (See note 1)
1 large onion
1 green pepper
1 ½ cup cooked spaghetti (break up 1 and 2 inches) (See note 2)
1 small can tomato sauce
½ pound Velveeta cheese

Brown steak, onion and pepper. Add the cooked spaghetti, tomato sauce and ½ of the cheese, cubed. Place this in casserole and slice the remaining cheese on top. Bake 15-20 minutes at 350° or until cheese browns. Serve 4-5.

Note 1: I had to use ground beef because the Velveeta took up most of my budget.
Note 2: Break up the pasta before boiling it. It’s a lot easier that way. I’m speaking from experience.

Source: From Our Kitchens…With Love, Glen Ayr United Church Women

Q & A with The Caker Queen

I know that some of you may doubt my stories about growing up in a caker household. Did my mom really give us brown well water with Alka Seltzer instead of soda pop? Was she really addicted to Shreddies? Inquiring minds want to know, so I sat down with my mom (a.k.a. The Caker Queen) and asked her some questions. I also got her to share a favourite recipe.

Caker Brian: What is the name of my blog?
Caker Queen: (lengthy pause) Crater.

CB: Is it true you were addicted to Shreddies?
CQ: Yes, I was addicted. When I get on to something, I eat it all the time. I don’t eat Shreddies anymore, though. I eat Cheerios now, along with some of that grain cereal to make everything solid [Don’t ask what she means. Trust me, you don’t want to know. – Ed] Every morning, I have Cheerios with the grain cereal, blueberries, a banana, an orange juice and a coffee. That’s my breakfast everyday.

CB: Is it true that we were so poor growing up that instead of soda pop, you gave us brown well water with Alka Seltzer?
CQ: Oh, Brian. No. God almighty. No. Jeez. Take that off there.

CB: What would you consider your signature dish?
CQ: (sigh) Like a casserole, maybe. Well, the one that you like. That one with macaroni and ground beef, tomato soup and onion. I don’t know what it’s called. [None of her casseroles have actual names. They all begin with “That one with…”– Ed]

CB: Is there a recipe you’d like to share with fellow cakers?
CQ: Maybe my stew. Cut some stewing beef in small pieces, put it on the bottom of a casserole, add some carrots, potatoes, onion and celery. Pour over a couple cans of V-8. It takes a long time. 250° for four hours. You can throw in anything you want. Serve it with bread or a salad. V-8 has lots of spices, so you don’t need to add anything else.

I made this as per my mom’s instructions. It tasted pretty good but was kind of watery. When I told her this, we had the following exchange:

“I’m sorry. I forgot to tell you to add that thing.”
“What thing?”
“Oh, dear. What’s it’s called?”
“Corn starch?”
“No, not that.”
“Flour?”
“Not, not flour. Jeez, why can’t I remember it?”
“Plaster of Paris?”
“Tapioca! Sprinkle two or three teaspoons on top.”

Source: The Caker Queen

Bacardi Rum Cake

I don’t know where your parents stored the liquor, but in my house, it was in the cupboard above the stove. I’m assuming they kept it there because they thought it was out of reach. Luckily for me, I worked miracles with a yardstick and a catcher’s mitt.

Check any caker’s liquor cabinet or cupboard and guaranteed you’ll find a bottle of rye, a bottle of rum and, if it’s near Christmas, a bottle of Bailey’s. Sometimes, you’ll find Blue Curaçao, but only if someone needed to make Blue Lagoon punch for a baby shower.

This delicious Bacardi Rum Cake packs a doozey of boozey – there’s a full cup of rum in this Bundt! If you start telling dirty limericks to your company after finishing a slice, don’t say you weren’t warned.

By the way, while most caker food manages to hit every branch of the ugly tree on its way down, this here Bundt is about the purdiest thing I’ve ever featured. Just look at it! I’ve decided to enter it into the International World Bundt pageant held every year in Monaco. Keep your fingers crossed. Grand prize is a bottle of Kahlua.

Cake:
1 cup chopped pecans or walnuts
1 18 ½-ounce package yellow cake mix
1 4-ounce package JELL-O vanilla instant pudding mix
4 eggs
½ cup cold water
½ cup oil
½ cup Bacardi dark rum (See note 1)

Glaze:
¼ lb. butter
¼ cup water
1 cup sugar
½ cup Bacardi dark rum

Preheat oven to 325°. Grease and flour 10-inch Bundt pan. Sprinkle nuts over bottom of pan. Mix all cake ingredients together. Pour batter over nuts. Bake 1 hour. Invert on serving plate. Prick top. Drizzle and smooth glaze over top and sides (See note 2). Allow cake to absorb glaze. Repeat until glaze is used up.

For glaze, melt butter in saucepan. Stir in water and sugar. Boil 5 minutes, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Stir in rum.

Options: Decorate with whole maraschino cherries and border of sugar frosting or whipped cream. Serve with seedless green grapes dusted with powdered sugar (See note 3).

Note 1: I mistakenly bought Captain Morgan. Must've been the pirate uniform.
Note 2: Put the cake on a wire rack with a plate underneath. That way, you’ll catch all the drippings.
Note 3: Only do this if your name is Martha Stewartson.

Source: Celebration Cookbook, Canadian Bible Society

Marg's Cuban Lunch

Along with its elegance and refinement, caker cooking is often considered one of the world’s most mysterious cuisines. There are so many unanswered questions. For example, who discovered that soda crackers taste like Skor Bars? Or that Ritz crackers taste like apples? Or that a marshmallow and a Pilsbury crescent roll were good representations of Christ's resurrection?

Sometimes, the mystery rests not in the ingredients, but in the name. I had no idea what a “Cuban Lunch” was, let alone Marg’s connection to it. So I called my friends at Dateline NBC to do a little investigative work. Turns out Cuban Lunch used to be the name of a chocolate bar. As to Marg, Stone Philips told me that her identity remains shrouded in mystery. The people in Outlook, Saskatchewan were tight-lipped. Who is this Marg? And why do I picture her smoking cigars?

Anyways, these are perfect when you’re faced with that that sweet-or-salty dilemma. That’s because they have potato chips and chocolate. Be warned though: butterscotch chips are a little potent. I had an Italian complaining for three days that the house smelled of maple.

1 package butterscotch chips
1 package peanut butter chips
1 package chocolate chips
1 ½ cups crushed ripple potato chips
1 ½ cups nuts

Melt all of the packages of chips together on low heat. Add in the potato chips and nuts. Spoon into small paper cups and cool.


Source: With Hearts That Care and Hands That Serve, Outlook, Saskatchewan