|Sadly, man clogs didn't make the list. But they're still hot.|
Cakers can’t live by food alone. We also need clothing to wear to the buffet. Well, most of us do, anyway. So I asked Mrs. Hunter, creator of the fashion blog, Style Forage, to come up with her five essential caker closet must-haves. If you’re missing any of these, time to turn in the can opener and cancel your subscription to Reader's Digest.
Think we missed something? Tell us and you could WIN a prize! Details after the list.
1) An all-season cardigan
Mrs. Hunter says: Humidity be damned. Buttoned-up over a coordinating blouse, an unseasonably warm knit is best accessorized with a brooch and worn atop matching slacks.
Caker Brian says: I like wearing nothing underneath my cardigans. It’s cooler and makes me feel like I’m living on the edge. But watch where you’re sticking that brooch or you’ll have a nipple 911.
2) Lee Press-On Nails
Mrs. Hunter: Who has time to sit in a salon when you can just press these puppies on and go? The precariousness of the faux talons – known to pop off with a simple scratch of the nose – might give some insight into why cakers cook the way they do. "Emptying" the contents of an envelope is a lot easier on the Press-ons than chopping.
Caker Brian: True story. My mom wore Lee Press-On nails to my sister’s bridal shower. When she went to the bathroom, half her nails fell into the toilet when she pulled up her pantyhose. Don’t tell her I told you that.
3) Slacks (not to be confused with pants)
Mrs. Hunter: The typically cheap poly blend means that they’re affordable enough to buy in an army of solid colours and the elasticized waistband easily accommodates sodium bloat from too much Ranch House Casserole.
Caker Brian: Remember, folks: slacks have no fly. I once stood at a urinal for a good 10 minutes before realizing that. I still don’t think security believed me.
4) Spice-coloured nylons
Mrs. Hunter: Don’t settle for nude when you can have that just-came-out-of-a-week-in-the-sun-sans-sunscreen look. Why do cakers love the orangey-red hue? Maybe it camouflages blemishes on aged legs more effectively, or maybe it’s the way the terracotta tone really makes those white pumps pop.
Caker Brian: I found these pantyhose at the Goodwill. The original price tag was 99 cents. Goodwill was selling them for 99 cents. Something seemed crooked about that. I got some strange looks from the cashier, too. She probably prefers taupe.
5) White pumps
Mrs. Hunter: Rounding out our list is a brilliant pair of go-with-everything, white pumps. Not to be confused with the white pumps that actually are en vogue among the fashion set this season, featuring sharp lines, geometric heels and ankle cuffs, cakers like to seal the deal with a moderate heel, rounded toe, and scuffs where sneaker whitener hasn’t quite done the trick.
Caker Brian: You just can’t beat the timelessness of an open-toed pump. Especially when worn with tight jeans and a hangover. Oh, and don’t sniff sneaker whitener. It causes you to repeat things. Oh, and don’t sniff sneaker whitener.
Think we missed an essential caker fashion? Tell us what it is – and why it should be included on this list. Mrs. Hunter will pick what she thinks is the best comment and the winner will receive a copy of Grace: A Memoir, courtesy of the good folks at Random House of Canada. Grace Coddington is the creative director at Vogue. So she knows all about (non-caker) fashion. Named one of the best books of the year by Financial Times.
Only one post person and people can pick the same thing. Just make sure your reasons are better. Deadline for posts is Tuesday, July 30 at midnight. Good luck!
Update: Submissions are now closed. The winning entry will be announced in the next post, going up Tuesday, August 6!
I will be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about Caker Fashion. Actually, I know absolutely nothing about non-Caker Fashion either, which probably explains why I'm so sad that Man Clogs didn't make the list.ReplyDelete
Strictly as a guess, I'm thinking maybe Caftans? I'm picturing a Caker Soiree, the hostess fluttering by amid the sensuous swish of polyester, a heady Charlie/Aqua Net cocktail in her wake.
Hmmm. Now I want some Velveeta. And Cool Whip.
No doubt there'd be a bowl of keys at the front door. Caker soirees have a tendency to get a little freaky. Especially if Blue Curacao is being served.Delete
The caftan is now en vogue thanks in part to Mr. Michael Douglas. Not ashamed to say, I love my clogs. Enjoying the reference to key bowls. HA!Delete
Caftans are chic. Not caker.Delete
Also, I want Brian to wear all of these things at once.
But you need to add a pattered silk scarf.
No frilly apron? How else does one keep one's polyester knit twin set and double-knit polyester pants (or spice-coloured pantyhose) clean when the dust from a Dream Whip envelope bursts into the air? Or, gawd forbid, the juice from a can of fruit cocktail spills when the can opener slips?
That's a very good point. And to this day, I swear it was Dream Whip powder on my nose. I swear.Delete
...and fruit cocktail juice on your pants? Right.Delete
I know there are caker men- the author of this blog is proof- but I imagine there are many more caker husbands. I can picture a caker husband, swaying slightly as he listens to reruns of Lawrence Whelk, holding a Manhattan in a gold trimmed glass, wearing mint green polyester pants hiked up high, showing off his brilliant white oxford shoes and matching white belt. The white belt is the essential item. It assures protection of his caker modesty as he repeatedly bends to partake of the many clever appetizers displayed on the TV tray. I think he's having an affair with the woman described by veg-o-matic!ReplyDelete
It wouldn't surprise me. *whispers* She's like that, you know.Delete
Lawrence Welk. White oxford shoes. Mint green polyester pants. When did you meet my dad?Delete
With respect to the venerable Mrs. Hunter, there is one fashion item that makes a statement to anyone worthy of the name, "Caker Lady." That all-important matching set of earrings and necklace: Over-large white plastic beads. There may, legitimately, be variations, in that the huge white beads may also be interspersed with navy and/or red ones, too. This fashion statement is de rigeur in the summer, when every Caker Lady who has *any* sense of style is wearing navy, white and/or red clothing. We consider it jauntily nautical. Plastic: The mainstay of Caker jewellery for generations.ReplyDelete
Finally! Someone sees Mrs. Roper from Three's Company for the fashionista she truly was!Delete
Let us not forget the pastel polyester leisure pantsuit.ReplyDelete
It's funny that they're called "leisure" suits because, when you're wearing one, you're WORKING the room.Delete
All wonderful additions to the caker closet! And glaringly apparent is the fact that cakers owe a debt to the (non) colour, white.ReplyDelete
You have a tough job ahead of you, Mrs. Hunter!Delete
In response to the caftan comments above, perhaps a more accurate "caker version" would be the polyester blend housedress. That sucker is wrinkle proof, looks neat and tidy, and affords free and easy movement as you whip up a tuna casserole with tinned peas on the side.ReplyDelete
So easy to clean, too! Why, that tinned pea juice just beads away like water off a caker duck's back.Delete
A caker-lady supreme I once knew who was, er, rather full-figured, always wore what she called a "float dress." Known to us as her Bloat Dress. Sort of like a high waisted full skirted little girl sundress for overweight older mangacakes. I can't think of Campbell's Tuna Casserole without thinking of Eunice in her Float Dress.ReplyDelete
"I can't think of Campbell's Tuna Casserole without thinking of Eunice in her Float Dress."Delete
There's a Country & Western song in there.
Essential to a caker lady wardrobe is the sheer, pastel-hued polyester headscarf. You can't wear a rain bonnet when it isn't raining (people will talk, really they will, but still the need exists to protect the roller-set. Enter the polyester scarf. I think there's a special compartment in those purses they sell in the Sunday supplement just for such scarves.ReplyDelete
In addition, they protect your clothing when getting dressed. The dilemma is whether to put the Cover Girl Clean makeup (it isn't) on after dressing, and risk a spill, or before, and risk smearing it on the neckline of your above mentioned caftan. A poly scarf solves this problem. Simply place the scarf over your head, dangling over your face, pull your lovely clothing over in one quick motion, and you're set for the Early Bird dinner special. Much nicer than spending your time trying to get Cover Girl Clean Makeup off your clothes. It may be oil free, but it takes industrial solvent to remove the stuff.
That's a very good idea. Any tips that get you to the Early Bird dinner special before the Salisbury Steak gets sold out are worth it.Delete
My mother used to get so much Cover Girl makeup on her clothes, she ended up buying only beige clothes.
I have one of those headscarves.Delete
And I have donned it multiple times.
Ha ha. I'm going to start using "float dress" on my blog!ReplyDelete
Any self respecting caker who has just had her hair done always has one of these tucked neatly in her handbag in case it rained. They came in clear as well as this fetching polka-dot pattern http://bad-postcards.tumblr.com/post/2795620956/polka-dot-rain-bonnet-in-its-glazed-iceReplyDelete
To this day, my mom still carries one of these in her purse. And as soon as a grey cloud is spotted, the plastic hat goes on. Rain is the biggest enemy to a freshly-set 'do.Delete
I am surprised no one has mentioned the all encompassing purse/handbag. These items were roomy, with a multitude of pockets, kleenex and everything else you could want. Why else at showers and other family events would they have party games where you are to match items in your purse to a pre-made list of necessities? Where would you put the recipe from Aunt Cathy's broccoli casserole? You probably even have recipe cards stashed in case of the next fabulous recipe find.ReplyDelete
You know, come to think of it, where else would you put Aunt Cathy's broccoli casserole? Caker purses are roomy and have great heat retention.Delete
That's true! My mom won one of those shower games because she had both a full-size flashlight and a spare pair of socks in her purse.Delete
The "Housecoat" in my opinion, is the ultimate attire for whipping up a casserole. Never to be worn outside the house though. All of my polish aunts, grandmothers, etc had MANY housecoats.They button up the front. Worn with slippers and curlers. Its pops off easily, without mussing up the hair. Then you can slip right into your fancy duds. Although some ladies did wear theit housecoats to church or shopping. Shameful.ReplyDelete
So long as you're wearing white pumps, there's nothing shameful about wearing your housecoat to church.Delete
Oh dear, I think I might have some other caker staples for both men and women:ReplyDelete
1) Dickie. In order to avoid stares from ill-intentioned men, a caker woman must have a dickie to cover her cleavage and preserve her purity & dignity. Because there's nothing more dignified than wearing an item of clothing called a Dickie.
2) Handkerchief - Unisex. Women may tuck one into their cardigan sleeve (or it could be a Kleenex tissue) but one must have a cloth easily accessible to wipe any body fluids on at all times.
3) Sans-A-Belt pants. For the gents. No belt! But they have the look of a belted pant. Expands for the satisfying after-casserole bloat.
Stephanie, if a woman tells people she needs a dickie to cover her cleavage, well, let's just say she'll be the topic of conversation at the next Euchre night.Delete
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