Miracle Whip Muffins

There was a point in time when muffins were considered health food. Then one of those journalism TV shows did an investigative report (likely Dateline) and everyone lost their minds when they found out that a bran muffin has 4,502 calories and 348 grams of fat. Thanks for bringing down the party, Stone Phillips.

Since then, muffins have been in the doghouse. At donut shops, people will even choose one of those cellophane-wrapped bagels with the two-inch wedge of orange cheese over a muffin. That’s how bad it is for muffins. But is it time for a muffin “miracle?”

This recipe for Miracle Whip Muffins hails from Wheatland Cooks Celebrate, a 1980 cookbook put out by the Wheatland U.C.W. 

¾ cups dates, cut small

2 level teaspoons baking soda

1 cup boiling water poured over the above. Let stand until cool. Combine 1 cup of Miracle Whip salad dressing and 1 cup white sugar. Add the date mixture and 2 cups flour, pinch of salt and 1 tablespoon vanilla. Bake 20 minutes at 375. Make about 1 ½ dozen.

Miracle Whip? Really? You sure you didn’t mean mayonnaise, I wondered? I mean, mayo used to be a trend in cakes. It reached its height in the ‘80s with a chocolate mayonnaise cake recipe that made the rounds. You can almost hear the conversations at caker dinner parties.

“Mayonnaise?!? But that doesn’t make any sense, Barb. Have you been sniffing those incense sticks again?”

It’s just that MW has that tang, you know? And who wants to munch on a tangy muffin? But one thing I’ve learned in all my years is that you can doubt your friends, doubt your parents, even doubt politicians. But never doubt a U.C.W. recipe. 

They certainly looked and smelled okay, but it all comes down to the taste. And, as far as I was concerned, if these tasted good, it would be a miracle.

Friends, these muffins weren’t just good – they were delicious! The muffins were as damp as me watching a Ricky Martin video. 

They also had a rich, caramel-y taste. (Thanks, dates!) Just like a sticky toffee pudding. (Not that I’ve ever had a sticky toffee pudding). And not a hint of a tang in my muffin.

Cooks of Wheatland U.C.W., you have reclaimed the rightful throne of the muffin! The second wave is upon us! Cast aside your donuts, put down your bagels, and kneel before the power of the Lemon Cranberry, the Banana Nut and the almighty Morning Glory! A new muffin dawn is upon us! 

I’ll be back next week with another enchanting caker recipe. Until then, stay home, stay safe and eat your muffins while wearing yellow eyeshadow and dancing to this.