JELL-O Popcorn Balls

As a young’un, I remember diving headfirst into a pile of leaves in our backyard and hearing the sound of my dad’s voice trailing behind me:

“Watch out for the dog poooooppppp…”

I haven’t been able to look at a pile of leaves with the same reckless abandon since.

These popcorn balls remind me of that time. Rest assured, there’s no dog shit or leaves in the recipe. Cakers can be cheap when it comes to ingredients, but not that cheap, for God’s sake. That said, there is a dog shit equivalent in popcorn balls: unpopped kernels.

All I can say is don’t start chowing down on these balls before stopping to consider what could be lurking beneath the surface. New teeth ain’t cheap, after all.

6 tablespoons butter
3 cups mini marshmallows or 24 large
3 tablespoons JELL-O powder (pick a colour for different occasions)
3 quarts popcorn or ¾ cup kernels

Melt butter and marshmallows. Blend in JELL-O powder. Mix with popcorn. Butter hands and shape into balls.


Source: Our 20th Anniversary Cookbook, Lambeth Co-operative Playschool Inc.

Nuts and Bolts

When it came to entertaining, my folks knew how to live it up. They’d dust off the half-empty bottles of Captain Morgan Rum and Canadian Club, bring out the Petro Canada 1984 Olympic tumblers, push a “Country Gold” 8-track tape into the stereo and let the good times roll, baby.

A heaping bowl of homemade Nuts and Bolts is as essential to caker parties as a shrimp ring, forced laughter and the cloying smell of Charlie perfume. But be warned: this recipe makes a lot. Like, a bucket. So unless you want to be like me and find yourself three pounds heavier in a week's time, I’d hold off making it until you’re entertaining a crowd.

2 cups oil (see note)
2 packages onion soup mix
1 tablespoon garlic salt (No Frills didn’t have any, so I went with garlic powder)
1 box Crispix
¾ box Cheerios
1 large bag hickory sticks (or 3 small bags)
1 can mixed nuts
1 large bag pretzels (I bought the twisted, but recommend the sticks)

Heat oven to 250°. Mix all ingredients well in a large roaster. Bake for 2 ½ hours, stirring every ½ hour. Cool.

Note: I mixed the oil, soup mix and garlic powder together first, then poured it over the mixture. This seemed like an easy way to distribute.

Source: With Hearts that Care and Hands that Serve, Outlook and District Volunteer Services, Outlook, Saskatchewan

Creamy Fantasy Fudge

I often think of fudge as the black hole of candy. There simply isn’t any other confectionary that comes close to its sugar density. If sweetness could be quantified by weight, a cube of fudge would be so heavy, it would be impossible to pick it up. You'd have to get down on all fours and nibble on it like a rat does cheese.

But something tells me that wouldn't go over too well with the ladies at Auxiliary Branch 133.

While I don't consider fudge itself caker – although it’s about as Anglo Saxon as you can get – there’s a magical ingredient in this recipe which gives it the Caker Seal of Approval. Can you tell which one it is?

Here's a clue: if you get it in your hair while making this, you’re screwed.

3 cups sugar
¾ cup margarine (I used butter)
6 ounce can evaporated milk (about 1/2 of a large can)
12 ounce package semi-sweet chocolate pieces
7 ounce jar Kraft Marshmallow Cream (I used Fluff brand)
1 cup chopped nuts
1 teaspoon vanilla

Combine sugar and margarine with milk. Bring to rolling boil, stirring constantly. Boil 5 minutes over medium heat, stirring constantly (mixture scorches easily). Remove from heat. Stir in chocolate pieces until melted. Add marshmallow cream, nuts and vanilla. Beat until well blended. Pour into greased pan and cool. Cut into squares.

Source: Cooking Favorites of Cobourg, Ladies Auxiliary Branch 133

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wishing you every joy of a Caker Thanksgiving, minus the indigestion.

Here's what we enjoyed at my family Thanksgiving dinner: JELL-O with suspended mandarin slices courtesy of my mom.

See? Cakers really do consider JELL-O a side dish. Pass the gravy!

Low Calorie Salad

There was a dark period in caker history (and by “period,” I’m referring to the ‘80s) when cottage cheese was viewed as a dieter’s dream food. Cakers looking to shed a few pounds were gobbling it up (and washing it down with a TAB) in between their Jane Fonda LP workouts and moussing their bangs.

But moderation is everything in life. So while cottage cheese might have been light in calories, it didn’t do much for the waistline when paired with Cool Whip.

Needless to say, this salad doesn’t live up to its name. When I added things up, it came in at a hefty 1843 calories. Time to dust off that leotard. Your session with Jane starts now.

1 small can crushed pineapple
1 small box strawberry JELL-O
1 medium carton cottage cheese
1 large carton of Cool Whip

Bring crushed pineapple and jelly powder to boil. Let cool, then fold in cottage cheese, then Cool Whip. Store in fridge. Serve.

Source: St. Mary’s C.W.L. Grafton Cookbook

Broccoli Casserole

While most cakers tend to shy away from vegetables—unless you consider the grey bits in Cream of Mushroom soup vegetables—there’s one that has found its way into the hearts of cakers everywhere. And that lucky vegetable is broccoli. 

It’s not really surprising when you stop to consider it. Broccoli is cheap. It doesn’t require a lot of chopping (especially if you buy it frozen). There's nothing to peel. And, best of all, it’s sturdy enough to withhold a smothering of cream-based soup, margarine and melted cheese. It’s like Mother Nature invented broccoli just for us cakers.

Having said that, this also explains why cakers don't linger around the table following a meal. Everyone bolts before the "broccoli backwind" kicks in.  (You know what I'm talking about.)

½ cup celery, chopped

½ cup onion, chopped

1/3 stick butter

1 can Cream of Mushroom soup

½ can water (more if needed)

1 8 ounce jar Cheese Whiz (about a cup)

1 10 ounce package frozen chopped broccoli, heated and drained

1 cup Minute Rice

Heat oven to 350°. Combine all ingredients in a baking dish. Bake for 30-40 minutes.

Source: The Best of Enbridge

Tomato Soup Cake Challenge: Vera vs. Gwen

Recently, I came across not one, but two recipes for the caker classic Tomato Soup Cake. Both recipes were on the same page in the same cookbook, From Our...Kitchens…To Yours, produced by the Melfort Block Parents Association. (The ellipses are a little weird, but bear with me.)

One recipe was credited to a woman named Vera. The other to a woman named Gwen. Did both of these women know one another? (Melfort, Saskatchewan has a population of 6000 according to its website, so it’s likely.) Were Vera and Gwen aware that they submitted the same recipe? If not, were they hurt/angry/embarrassed? I couldn't help but imagine a confrontation following the book's release.

“You said you were doing a zucchini cake, Gwen!”

“Well, it's not like you own the copyright to Tomato Soup Cake, Vera!”

I had to figure out which recipe produced the best cake. So, after making both, I conducted a taste test among my colleagues. Which woman would reign supreme?

In the end, it was pretty close with only a few votes separating the winner from the loser. Vera ultimately walked away the champ. Tasters found her moister and softer, with just the right amount of nuts. Gwen, on the other hand, was a little drier and denser, although some found her a little spicier.

I’m posting each recipe because, when it comes to Tomato Soup Cake, there are no losers.

First Place: Vera’s Tomato Soup Cake
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
1 egg
1 cup brown sugar
1 can tomato soup
1 teaspoon each nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves
½ teaspoon salt
1 ½ cups flour
1 cup walnuts
1 cup raisins
1 teaspoon baking soda dissolved in 1 tablespoon hot water

Heat oven to 350°. Cream sugar and margarine or butter. Add lightly beaten egg and beat well. Add soup and soda. Combine raisins and nuts to sifted dry ingredients and add in small amounts. Bake for 35-45 minutes.

Second Place: Gwen’s Tomato Soup Cake
2 cups flour
½ cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 can tomato soup
1 cup raisins
½ cup walnuts
½ teaspoon cloves
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder

Heat oven to 375°. Cream butter and add sugar. Dissolve the baking soda in the tomato soup. Place the dry ingredients in a bowl and add alternately with the tomato soup to the creamed mixture. Add raisins and walnuts. Bake for 50-60 minutes.

Source: From Our...Kitchens…To Yours, Melfort Block Parents Association, Melfort, Saskatchewan (I'm sorry, but the illustration of the kid creeps me out. He looks like a mini Michael Myers.)